26 October 2009

Waitings and Endings

Sometimes I just walk about out here, albeit now comfortably in my new warm boots. I move from desk to desk, book to book, and project to project. Searching for a direction, I experience boredom: a waiting for something to occur that will lead me into some clear direction and purpose. But the experience of this waiting-boredom-tries my subjectivity; I become a waiting person and not a doing person. How to conceive of waiting as an activity and a part of subjectivity? Vladimir and Estragon can at least say about their existences that they are in a certain place at a certain time and they are waiting for Godot. And this waiting becomes the problem: what to do while waiting. The Rabbis posit waiting differently: they wait for the Messiah and while waiting they must do. Hence the essay “Study and Benevolence.” Waiting sets the ground of all action and prepares its nature. Waiting becomes active.

So today I actively wait: for the project to become realized, for the car to be fixed, for the meeting to meetr and for the surgery to occur. [I have learned from my daughter that this just written sentence is a polysyndeton!). And while I wait what should I do? Study and Benevolence.

It seems to have rained for a week now. This past week we read about Noah and the flood.

It is the end of October, but it feels like December. I miss November.

And finally, one of us has to be the first to leave.


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