Esau and Jacob

I come out here to Walden in the now-cold early mornings from a very warm bed. At 5:30am the air is crisply cold, and lately the night has been sharply clear. The stars don’t really twinkle, but rest in the skies setting limits to how far I can see. In Everyman, Roth writes that the stars remind him of imminent death, but then, this is a very unhappy book. Though in Roth novels there is great physical and even emotional joys at time, ah, they are short lived. I can’t cease thinking of the closing of The Professor of Desire, and Kepesh’s recognition that his happiness will soon end despite his sincere desire that it not cease.

I haven’t had much energy for concentration out here of late, and it has not been a time of peace despite the loveliness of the place. Trying to coordinate and support so many lives has become exhausting, and I think at times I’ve become the nightmare of my dreams. I obsess about things I caution others to let go; I pile up too many books to read and then can not decide which to next begin; I plan writing projects but distract myself with my own insecurities and inadequacies; I sweep the floor with too much energy.

I’ve been thinking of Symphony #1, searching for a structure because I think the themes are in place. And I’ve been thinking about Felix Mendelssohn, and Esau and Jacob.

After almost 40 years of separation, the brothers meet again across the River Jakkob. And seeing his brother, “Esau ran to greet him. He embraced him and falling on his neck, he kissed him; and they wept.” I’ve been thinking: why is the action described from the perspective of Esau? Other than his weeping (perhaps out of some relief that his brother, whom he had viciously tricked out of his birthright and his blessing), what was Jacob’s response to this meeting? Why doesn’t the Torah record anything but his fear of Esau’s retribution?

And then Esau seems to ask to be introduced to the groups of people traveling with Jacob, and then wonders what all of the company with which he meets him means. And Jacob says that all that he travels with is his gift to his brother, “To gain my lord’s favor.” And Esau refuses the offer, saying that he has all that he needs, and begs Jacob to keep what he has for himself. But Jacob insists, and Esau finally accepts the gift.

I know that it is very hard to accept a gift sometimes—often at times more difficult to accept than to give. But I think Esau sincerely has no interest in Jacob’s offer; Esau is content to be reunited with his brother. And Jacob’s insistence that Esau accept his gift is an insincere offer: the ‘gift’’ is a ‘bribe.’ Esau’s emotional response to seeing Jacob is not reciprocated; Jacob is again vying for position, continuing to prevaricate and manipulate, and responding with disingenuousness. My heart breaks for Esau, the older brother. I am an older brother.

Esau invites Jacob to his home with all his family and flocks and servants. “”Let us start on our journey, and I will proceed at your pace.” Esau understands that Jacob is traveling with his children. Jacob suggests that his pace will be too slow, but if Esau will travel ahead at a faster pace, Jacob will soon follow. And Esau begs Jacob to let him leave some of his own people behind to assist Jacob on his way, and again, Jacob refuses the offer.

The plan was to meet at Esau’s home in Seir, but Jacob does not go there; “Jacob journeyed on to Succoth, and built a house for himself, and made stalls for his cattle.” And Esau waiting endlessly for his brother to arrive.

I suspect the Rabbis excuse Jacob whose mission was to return to the land of his fathers. They admire his devotion to his purpose.

I suppose the Rabbis excuse Jacob by impugning Esau’s motives and sincerity.

I don’t care. I ache for Esau.