No Regrets

My father, Sidney David, would too often say, “If I knew then what I know now, I’d be a rich man!” Then he would shake his head with sorrow, and stare off through me and into some past. I think my father lived in regret. His yahrtzeit occurs next week, 23 Iyar in the Hebrew calendar, and I have been thinking of him more than usual. He died of lung cancer in 1999.

And so, I want to offer to my father two moments in today’s run. Recently, I bought myself an iPod, and last evening I loaded hundreds of songs onto it in anticipation of a five mile run, and then I set the controls on this wonder-toy to ‘shuffle.’ The songs came up in no certain order, but rather, they played randomly. I was pleasantly surprised by the mix, and very well occupied on this run. And I had much to think about over the distances.

Moment One (mile 1) occurred during Dylan’s song from The Basement Tapes, “Nothing Was Delivered:” Actually, it was the version performed by The Byrds, but the song and sentiment was certainly Dylan’s. “Nothing is better, nothing is best/Take care of yourself, and get plenty of rest.” And the Second Moment (mile 4) happened during “Ramble On Rose,” one of my favorite Grateful Dead songs. Here is what they said: “The grass ain’t greener, the wine ain’t sweeter, either side of the hill.”

I’d always known that philosophical affinities existed between Dylan and the Dead, but the serendipitous mixing of these two particular songs reminded me of one important thing I’d learned from both: If I live in the present fully, and if I do not measure myself in comparison with anyone else, then, perhaps I need have no regrets for my actions. It is not a hedonism or solipsism of which they speak, but a joyousness and acceptance of a life filled with purpose and contingency. The Dead describe the scene (another favorite song, "Scarlet Begonias") as “Strangers stopp[ing] strangers/just to shake their hand/Everybody’s playing in the Heart of Gold Band.” And Dylan will assert years after The Basement Tapes, “I’m not sorry I fought, I just wish we’d won.” No regrets here, and no resignation either. It’s a willing joy and acceptance of commitment here expressed.

I think I learned not to have regrets during my 1960’s, and this wisdom that I have accepted has sustained me through the good and the bad, the easy and the difficult, the wonderful and the banal. I think this is a wisdom my father never learned, and I think it led to a great unhappiness which lay at the center of his life.

For my father, may his memory be for a blessing. For myself, nothing is better, nothing is best. Take care of yourself and get plenty of rest.